What's In a Name?

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't proud of myself for coming up with my blog name. Lost in Waiting. Not sure where it came from or what made me think of it but it perfectly describes the theme of my life and a key frustration I have with others in my life. It seems to encompass the main motivation that chases me through life. Eventually I just got so sick of being lost in waiting for something good to happen. For life to happen to me. For something exciting to sweep me off my feet. I got so lost in waiting for my purpose to find me instead of my seeking it. Here's how it all started.

   

As my profile states, I was born with very complex heart disease. I was taught from a young age not to draw attention to my health issues and that effected me strongly as an adult. I came to believe it wasn't my secret to tell, that it was something to be hidden and ashamed of and that any mention of it was most definitely with ill intent. It took me a long time to break free of that belief and now it's like I can't stop talking about it. Because really it's my own story of hope.

    When I say I have complex heart disease, I'm not exaggerating. I'm the patient that gets examined by students at the University of Washington. I've been told by almost every doctor I've ever met "I've never met someone like you, with all these issues". I've got multiple heart murmurs, most people just have one. People love listening to my heart because they've never heard anything like it. People exclaim, "wow! You're amazing". Thank you? I did it myself. Ha!

      While growing up reality was like a polar dip. I knew reality like the back of my hand. I knew death was always lurking as a possibility, that I had my physical limits when it came to playing tag with my friends and that I couldn't spend the night at friends houses because I had special heart medication that my parents didn't trust anyone else to give me. These parameters were my constant companion and though I did not understand it all, I got the message loud and clear. Life is short so go after what you want now. 

    As I grew into an adult I was frozen in fear. I didn't know what I wanted out of life, I just knew that I needed to figure it out in a hurry and do it before it was too late. I was not resentful of that sense of urgency, but it  created a deep resentment of those around me who were flailing through life with no special direction. Which was just about everyone because we were 18 years old and that's what 18 year old do. People told me to "chill out", "take a deep breath", or "you won't die young, I bet you'll live to be 80". I quickly realized that whether I was overreacting or not, I had already learned a valuable lesson about life that most people never learn until they are on their death bed or diagnosed with cancer. That life is short. Ahhh, what a cliche! Well, it is a stupid cliche until you're living it. 

       As my frustration grew with those around me who seemed to be aimlessly fumbling through life, so did my lostness. My life had a big plan, one designed by  God, and I was doing a bad job at figuring out what it was. This caused even more internal frustration because I was well aware of what a hypocrite I was; being mad at my peers for their aimlessness but yet I wasn't exactly solving world hunger either. It was a cycle I was stuck in with no one to blame but myself. Multiple times I contemplated saying "screw it!" and living my life as selfishly and carelessly as possible. That is the other side of the spectrum for people, if life is short, why not have fun? The problem with constantly seeking out fun though, is that once it's over, you just want more. Don't you tire of chasing things that only leave you wanting more or feeling unsatisfied? I do.

And so here I am today, 2020. I still am not solving world hunger unfortunately. I probably am absolutely nothing special on the outside to my peers and that's ok, it's not the look I'm going for. But what I can tell you is that I stopped waiting for life to grab me by the hand and run because that always looks so ugly and chaotic. Instead I am intentionally pursing my dreams. I'm happily married and take a lot of pride in the daily work I put in to keep my marriage happy; I bought my dream home on 20 acres and will continue to build it up so that we can hopefully become self-sufficent; I became a counselor just as I wanted to be as a kid, to help people understand why they feel so messy inside just as I so often do;I've not ever let life get in the way of my owning and riding horses; I've been on two mission trips as a teenager that absolutely changed my life and showed me that the God in the Bible who does crazy miracles is still alive and well; and I've pursued being a foster parent during one of my darkest times in life of discovering what it feels like to grieve for something you never had, my own child (another story for another day). I'm still working on discovering God's big-picture plan for my life and while I haven't found all of it, I'm confident that I will. He has been placing on my heart to maybe become involved in ministry of some sort in my new home town and I am excited for that prospect.  I hope mostly that my life story is inspiring to people and moves them to action. I'm quite confident that most people on their death bed will have regrets about grinding away at life for that 9-5 job because it's what we are all "supposed" to do. That is a reality that I just can't accept.

L