Wintery Monday Musings

 No matter the location or the year, the winter blues I do not escape from. It's been better this year, probably because I'm living in a new house in a new town and a change of perspective only has ever bettered a person. As I write it's pouring rain when it should have been snow. Instead, it's raining cats and dogs on top of 8 inches of snow which has caused my new barn to flood, the driveway to become a treacherous slushy mess and my view of the valley is bleak. I'm listening to my three cats wrestle each other and tear around the house with one of them having my couch blankets stuck to their back foot and another's got my lunch bag over her head. It seems that blanket gets refolded several times a day. One of my favorite quotes from my first substance abuse counseling mentor is "Your head is a bad neighborhood, don't go there alone". That about sums up today. My mind feels like a pinball machine, flitting from one topic to the other, riding the highs and the lows.

         A few days ago a previous employee of the dental clinic I work for stopped in to say hello and show off her one month old baby. It had been a very long time since I'd allowed myself the luxury of wallowing in self-pity about not being able to have a child.  Those old feelings resurfaced and on this gross wintery day I've found myself thinking about motherhood again. I've always attempted to console myself by telling myself that I would have made a terrible mother anyways. I am not entirely sure how I come across to the outside world but I can be very impatient and have a temper....a nagging mother I do not wish on anyone and no husband likes to live with a constantly distressed wife. So it really is for the best, isn't it? 

But then on the other end of the spectrum, I reflect on my lovely marriage that just celebrated 6 years. Marriage is truly one of the greatest gifts God has given us. My heart is truly grateful for all the mercies that God has shown to my husband and I. There are many moving parts to our story - some that are not mine to tell, they are my husbands -but if you knew what they were, you would see just how merciful God has been to us to give us such a loving marriage. It should not have worked out that way but it has. I wasn't always able to give God credit. Really it has only be since this last year. I used to think "Of course our marriage is good, we have worked hard at it, haven't we?" But then I look around at the failing marriages around me, I look at women who believe the same thing I did, that surely if you just work hard enough, your marriage will be great. But then if that were true, why are they getting a divorce? The point is, a successful marriage IS work but it's also an abundance of grace from God. 

          Being a wife is a literal dream come true for me. I've wanted to be a wife and work at improving my ability to love my husband for as long as I can remember. I've been reading the book "Let Me Be a Woman" by Elisabeth Elliot. She was a missionary in Ecuador. I had the privilege of visiting her house when I was 17 years old and helping build a church in Ecuador. Elisabeth was an incredibly dedicated woman of God but also extremely traditional in her belief of gender roles. She would be considered very anti-feminist in this day and age. There was a brief time in my life that I felt rebellious over those gender roles but over recent time I've found myself embracing them again. Trust me, I do believe in women having equal rights but rights and roles are two different things. I have come to find a lot of comfort in knowing that I have been made for a particular role and that is, to care for, uplift, support and love my husband to the best of my ability and in a way that only a woman can. In today's society, this role God created for us women is a hard pill to swallow for some and women who willingly choose that path are looked down on.

       It goes like this. Imagine that you are extremely good at playing the piano but you don't enjoy it. Over time though, you realize that even though you don't necessarily like the act of playing the piano, you enjoy being good at something and begin to find purpose in it because you find that piano playing comes naturally. This is how I feel about the traditional role of a wife. I do not always enjoy house cleaning and cooking (most of the time I do, but not always) but my husband believes I'm very good at it and it comes naturally to me because it is the way God made me. So I find comfort and purpose in doing tasks I am designed and appreciated for, which in time makes me want to do them more. Weird, isn't it? How cool is it that God created women with specific skills to compliment the role of a man.  He could have created us with roles that do not compliment one another and made our lives much harder but He didn't. 

My last musing is on the order of tasks that need  done this year....oh how hard it is to prioritize! On my list this year: 

-Get several loads of topsoil for gardening (the soil here sucks)

-Re-gravel the driveway

-Fence another 2+ acres for the horses

-Get a 4 wheeler or ATV

-PLANT a garden

-Begin bee keeping

-Get two goats and possibly a guard dog

-Replace our leaking shower

-Paint the wood shed

-Ride my horse more

-Buy a truck

This is my very ambitious list for 2021. If money was not an obstacle, I'm confident I'd get it all done and then some. We shall see. Hard to decide which items on the list come first. 

Happy Monday

-L